Seminary Graduation and Thoughts on Religion

I just graduated from the LDS Seminary program about an hour ago. It's been a long four years studying the scriptures, but I have made it through.

Seminary has been a mixed experience for me. My first year, I didn't want to take seminary. I was too concerned with getting in all my credits for regular high school graduation. At my parents' insistence, I reluctantly signed up to begin seminary in ninth grade.

I think that year was my most impressing year. I had so many spiritual experiences and I felt the Spirit almost every time I walked in. That year we were studying the New Testament. This has always been my favourite part of the quad we Mormons have, as blasphemous as it is to claim something other than the Book of Mormon as my favourite gospel book. I feel like learning about the Saviour, and His sacrifice for us, and His teachings, is the most fundamental and necessary part of any Christian religion. Without Him, there would be none of our religion.

Sometimes, I feel like Mormons get too wrapped up in the Book of Mormon. Now, I understand that the BoM is indeed an important part of our religion. But, it is not the only part of our religion. The BoM is another testament of Jesus Christ, not the only one. And while it does teach many important things, and testify that there were people in the Americas that saw the Saviour, it does not show the Saviour, nor his miracles, nor show us the degree of His suffering or His death for us. It is important that people other than those in the Middle East saw Him, but I feel more inspired by His teachings, rather than the bare testimonies of His followers, as powerful as they are.

The next year, I moved up to the high school and learned about the Book of Mormon. This was a year of learning and realization for me - I left the US for almost three weeks in the middle of the first semester. My first trip abroad, and to someplace as different from the US as Taiwan, I had a true awakening. I saw, for the first real time, a religion outside my own, a people who were as good as any Mormon, who were kind. They told me and my dad about how they saw the missionaries - kind, handsome young men - and how impressed they were with them. They graciously accepted the fact that we didn't drink wine, or tea, or coffee. And, along with all this, I realized how big the world is, how diverse its people are, and I began to understand God's love for all his children, no matter what race or religion they are.

And when I returned home, I realized to myself how petty and sheltered everyone at school was. I realized for the first time how difficult and selfish Mormons that have grown up in a place where there is basically no other religion are. I think it was after that trip I entered into a very difficult phase - the phase of knowing things, and having experienced things, that no one in their life could ever dream of having.

It was hard for me. I became less acceptable than I already was. When Mormons at school found out that I had gone to Taoist and Buddhist temples, and done some of the most basic gestures, such as bowing to a statue out of respect, they turned on me. I found it difficult to really pay attention in seminary when everyone acted as if I wasn't there. Why freak out over something so small? I am not going to go to hell for experiencing another culture, and acting respectably upon their religion's practices. It's not like I had converted to Taoism. Reading the Book of Mormon was a struggle.

And yet, I think I had the first true, strong manifestation of the Spirit at the end of that year. After having struggled with something that was wearing on me mentally and physically, and after a powerful lesson on prayer, I knelt and prayed with all my heart. The Spirit came to me, so strongly, that I knew more than anything that the Church was true, and that Heavenly Father cared about me. Just that one prayer. Can one who was a heathen, and who had 'rejected the gospel' feel such a truth?

The next year, I was in London and the rest of Europe for half the year. Amazingly, Mormons over there were more accepting. They were much more willing to allow me into their circle, and talk about my experiences with me. I'll attribute it to the fact that most of them didn't grow up in an area that was predominantly Mormon - in fact, most of them were converts. They knew that there was no true evil in another religion (any God-worshipping religion, anyway. Of course, devil-worshipping is evil. /disclaimer). They didn't shun me for bowing in a Buddhist temple, or washing my hands at a fountain in front of a temple to Kanon.

And, while I was there, I traveled to many cathedrals of Catholics and Anglicans. I attended evensong at Salisbury. I knelt in St. Peter's in the area where kings were crowned, and when I was unintentionally abandoned in a side chapel for a few hours, I knelt down with other Catholics and prayed for awhile. No one looked at me as if I was a freak when I did that. True, they probably didn't know I was a Mormon, but at least they weren't staring at me as if to say, "You American Protestant! How dare you defile our chapel by praying?"

Why is it that people outside Mormonism are so much more accepting?

And so I came back, again. I didn't say anything about the religious experiencing I had done in Europe - at least, not explicitly. Upon returning to regular Utah seminary, I acted as a friend and translator to a Japanese exchange student. It was difficult, as I again was generally ignored (I don't know if the other students inherently knew that I had done rituals outside the Mormon religion, or if they just didn't care to get to know the "new girl"). I was proud of the growth and Spirit that Yuka had experienced. I still pray for her, and hope that she is continuing to learn the gospel back in Yokohama.

This last year has probably been my hardest. So many things have happened this year that it was difficult to concentrate in seminary, and, in the few times I was been able to, I felt let down due to what was going on in the class. I couldn't feel the spirit I felt like I should have been feeling. As a senior, in a class where most students have either dropped seminary, skip classes all the time, or just don't care, it's been very difficult for me to want to go to class. The juniors and sophomores that have been in my classes don't seem to understand the gravity of the words they are ignoring. This last semester, one certain boy has come in, pulled out his brown-bag lunch, and munched loudly on it. Once finished, he proceeds to make as much noise as possible and attempt to draw all attention to himself.

It's disgusting, especially since after a few days almost every other boy in class joined him in making a racket. I could probably have learned more about the Old Testament by just going home, pulling out my scriptures, and reading myself. There should be a big sign on the doors to the seminary building reading: "IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS SERIOUSLY, IF YOU ARE NOT COMING TO FEEL THE SPIRIT, IF YOU ARE NOT COMING BECAUSE YOU WANT TO LEARN ABOUT THE GOSPEL, DON'T BOTHER COMING." The way the younger students have acted has made this year pointless.

Did I point out that it got out that I had participated in mass and prayed in a Catholic church? For the most part, I think this was accepted generally well. But I still get the occasional look that says, "You're going to hell for straying outside the gospel. Catholics and Anglicans are so sacrilegious. There is no redemption for you." (I suppose that pointing out most of the chapels in the valley are in that very 'sacreligious' cruciform didn't help me?)

I'm a bad Mormon because I participated in Mass. I'm a bad Mormon because I bought incense and waved it through a Taoist temple. I'm a bad Mormon because I tolerate others' swearing. I'm a bad Mormon because I'm friends with Catholics. I'm a bad Mormon because I know, I know that gays aren't bad people, and I'm bad because I don't verbally abuse gays or participate in such conversations. I'm a bad Mormon because I think Gothic cathedrals are beautiful. I'm a bad Mormon because I don't go out on a date every weekend, or have plans to get married as soon as I graduate from high school. I'm a bad Mormon because I'm not waiting for a missionary. I'm a bad Mormon I want to go to Japan for university, rather than staying at BYU. I'm a bad Mormon because I want to go explore the world, explore cultures, live somewhere other than in Utah all my life.

Where have I gone wrong, I wonder?

It's my view that there's truth in every religion. I thought that it was good to be a well-rounded person, and I consider being able to respect other religions, and being willing to participate in their rituals, part of becoming well-rounded. Am I wrong? Am I damned for being willing to participate in the activities of other religions, especially when Mormons are encouraged to invite friends of other faiths to their activities? Is there ever a commandment somewhere saying, "You do all you can to bring your friends to the gospel, but if they ever invite you to a friendly activity of theirs, you turn snobbish and say you won't participate in those devil rituals"? Am I going to hell for being willing to learn, and experiences, things from other cultures, even if I still have a testimony of the truth of the gospel I know, and I am still a faithful member? And, with all this confusion, rejection, and the occasional mock-crossing of oneself directed at me, am I not validated in feeling like seminary was overall a bad experience, mostly deprived of the spirit I was supposed to experience?

If so, I might as well go become an Anglican.