Dangerous

It kind of hurts that people don't seem to think that I really feel the way I do, and I only wish they could be me for just five minutes so they could understand just how much I hurt. I wish they would respect it and I wish that they didn't tell me what I can and can't feel. I wish that they would understand that because I feel that way I hurt and I bleed and that they wouldn't say I can't do that.

It's nice to have one person that agrees with me and understands what I'm telling him. It's nice to have one person that believes me when I say that this is how it is, and that understands how much it hurts.



Because it hurts, and it hurts so bad I need to find another way to let it out, and I'm feeling dangerous all the time.

If I Could...

If I could tell you the answers

To everything you ask,

I wouldn’t be so sick of heart

Or so desperate to escape.

You tell me over and over again

How much you love, how much you care,

But you want answers here and now

Else there’s nothing wrong.

If I could tell you why I feel

So deeply and so truly that

It manifests itself, my love for you,

By marring my weak arm,

I’d be all the stronger, free of scar,

And I’d have parted far from you.

But I am not that strong, to leave the one

I need and love so badly.

Nor am I granted time to find whatever truth,

And already am I condemned

Because I cannot find the words, false words

That I must speak for “freedom”.

The tears I’ve cried and prayers I’ve prayed,

The many times I’ve tried so hard

With all my strength to bow my head

And accept cruel fate of judgement passed,

Mean nothing to the higher lords,

Who refuse to listen, nor to you.

Answers you want, but I don’t have,

And for that, and the crime of wishing

And longing for a true love

That will remain at my side

Forever to embrace me,

I must live alone and tend to myself

The barest touch and symbol of presence,

For other than this, I have none.

Then you cry all the more that this isn’t fair to you,

That I can’t do this, and why do I act this way?

If I knew, o beautiful cold cruel love,

I wouldn’t say that I’m sorry I’m not the way you like

As dark water closes over my head.

Questions.

One thing you wanted to be when you grew up?
A paleontologist.

Your hair?
Is a mess today and I'll be going out like this. Woo.

Your father?
Is a Finn.

Your favorite thing?
Hard to say. Music?

Your dream last night?
One of my normal "everyone is trying to hurt/maim/kill me" dreams. Whee.

Your favorite drink?
Either cranberry juice or blackcurrant juice.

Your dream / goal?
Work in Japanese media, most specifically in music with some of my favourite bands. (Hur hur yeah right)

The room you are in?
My room, and it is messy and slathered with Jrock. Unf.

A pet peeve?
Stupid people. That accounts for basically everything else.

Your fear?
Spiders, heights, abandonment.

Where do you want to be in 6 years?
Working my dream job outside the country.

One of your wish list items?
An Alaskan Malamute puppy.

Where you grew up?
Bay area in California and Provo area in Utah. But I did most of my growing up in London, England and Japan.

The last thing you did?
Took a shower.

What are you wearing?
Pyjama pants and my Kyuuketsuki shirt.

Something you like about yourself?
My... sense of humour? My want to learn?

Something you don't like about yourself?
I could go on for awhile.

Your television?
I don't have one. Or at least not here. I have a tiny kind of pointless one in Spanish Fork.

Your pets?
Princess, my beautiful kitty.

Your computer?
Is named Ruki, and I love him.

Your life?
Is stressful and confidence-ruining.

Your mood?
Exhausted, tired of trying, and grumpy.

Missing someone?
More than is probably healthy.

Your car?
A beautiful red Ford Taurus with leather upholstry and the best sound system EVER. Check Reitabass out.

Favorite store?
One where I can buy things.

Your summer?
Will be full of working.

Your favorite color?
Black, white, and red. And purple.

Looking forward to?
Being done with this semester.

When is the last time you laughed?
Last night while I was watching MST3K. Yes shut up.

Three of your favorite foods?
Chocolate, curry, bread.

Three places I would rather be right now?
Tokyo, London, Los Angeles.