Sometimes, the way things in life hit me are ridiculously painful, even though, in this case, it's something I've been attempting to overcome for nearly two years now.
Don't know the story? Well, here's a brief version of it. Be warned that it will sound like an extremely bad chick flick:
Once upon a time there was a girl and there was a boy. Girl loved boy, boy didn't like girl, but boy didn't tell girl that he was dating someone else. Boy acted like he liked the girl, which made the girl happy. Two months later, the girl found out the boy was dating another girl, from a friend of the boy's. Girl becomes depressed. Girl finds out that everyone knew that the boy was dating someone else but didn't tell her. Girl becomes more depressed. Girl goes away to a foreign country for six months and thinks that she's over the boy. Girl comes home, sees boy her first day back, and boy hugs her tightly and tells her he missed her so much. Girl, despite having put up defenses, forgives him and finds she still loves him. Boy acts nice for a couple weeks, then ignores her for two weeks. Girl becomes depressed. After a couple weeks, boy acts nice and gets the girl's hopes up before subsequently crushing them again. Girl swears every time that this time, this time she won't get upset, and every time fails because girl still really does like him. Rinse, repeat.
Two years on March 30th.
Now, this rant will either do one of two things - make you sympathize with me, or make you think I'm stupid. To be honest, I'd rather you think I'm stupid, because I think I'm stupid.
I can't quite figure out what it is about him that makes me hold on to my feelings despite how much I've been hurting. There has been many a night I've come home and just wanted to crawl into a dark corner of the world, never to be seen again. There's been several nights I've come home and just gone to cry to my parents.
It's hard, to know that you're the only one between the two of you that feels that way. It's hard to think that maybe, maybe you're over it, maybe you've learned your lesson, only to fall for his smile over and over again. It's hard to not understand just why you still feel that way, when it feels like you can never feel that way about anyone else, when you've only suffered from what you've felt.
The reason it's so hard for me to let go (maybe) is because he doesn't act the way I know he is. If I knew he really were the way he acts, I'd have an easier time of it. But I know what he's really like.
I've been angry. In fact, there's been a great many times I've been angry at him, enough that I'd tell myself, "Today, I'll slap him and let him know what a jerk he's being" or, "Today, I'm just going to flat-out tell him he's *insert name-calling*". But I can never do it. I've had so many opportunities to hit him, to scream at him, to do anything to relieve myself of the anger. But I can't.
Okay, at this point some of you are probably scoffing at me, saying it's just a phase, you'll get over it, it's just a crush, blah blah etc blah.
But, tell me then... why does it hurt so much?
Listening to: "CRYING SKY" by Minagawa Junko as Echizen Ryoma
Eating: Nothing. I feel too sick.
Reading: Cantarella, vol. 1
Watching: Tennis no Oujisama Nationals OVA ep. 13 - Deathmatch - King vs. Prince
Wanting: An answer.
2 comments:
I don't think your stupid just because you have emotions, if so than we're all stupid. I can't think of anything to say that would be of any comfort to you mostly because I don't think anything can comfort a broken heart.
I could give you some advice that I think might work though. First I would just accept the fact that you do love him, but then I think you also need to accept the fact that you can never be with him. It may be hard to face, but it might help you to move on and find a better guy who is willing to love you like you can love him. I think that after a while it'll become more bearable if you have someone else there to help you through being in love. So I'd say just look at all the good things in life and focus on them instead of the things that will make you sad.
I wish you luck and know that you will always have friends who will back you up. :D
I'm not saying I'm stupid because I have emotions, I'm saying I'm stupid because I can't seem to let go of my feelings.
I've accepted the fact that I love him, and I understand I can never be with him, but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anyway. :( Boys suck.
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