Do I belong?

I've written before that I feel very out-of-place now. I don't live with a real family, and I'm moving all over the place.

I'm facing something that brings back memories that only intensify the feeling of 'not belonging' - study abroad.

Is it strange that I spend six months in Europe, and I felt more at home in the busy streets of London than I do now in the area that I grew up in? Is there something deeper in me that says: This is where you belong?

For a little while now I've been struggling with my Japanese. As college begins, I find myself wondering: is that really what you want to do? I know, deep in myself, that I want to pursue Japanese. Being rejected from the Japanese Government program shook me pretty hard, and that's probably why I'm experiencing such difficulty with it now. It was something I wanted, more than anything else, and I didn't get it.

Is it that I'm not supposed to be in Japan?

This horrific thought is haunting me. I've given up so much for simply the idea of living in Japan that the idea that I'm not supposed to be there is painful. But now, as I look through the list of study abroad options that's available right now (Japan is not on there as of yet), I feel drawn to London and Wales.

The memories of the busy bustling street, soaring cathedrals, and the majesty of the land brings tears to my eyes. I feel a longing to be back at 27 Palace Court in Bayswater, Kensington, or back in Cardiff, where I spent only one day.

Is that where I'm supposed to go? Is England where I'm supposed to be?

I suppose the only way to figure it out is just to go. But the question is - should I go to England immediately? Or should I take this spring to go to Japan and confirm for myself whether or not that's where I should be?

I don't know. I don't feel like I know anything anymore. Where I want to be now feels like it's forbidden. I'm already so lost... how much longer, and what more do I have to sacrifice to find where I belong?