I realise it’s been a long, long time since I last posted on this blog, and while I would like to post about my last few weeks in Japan, there simply isn’t a whole lot to say because it basically consisted of me getting everything ready to go. Nothing was really visited, except for the Meiji Jinja and Takeshita-Dōri (Takeshita, far too many times).
I am now safely back in America and attempting to continue on with life, something that is proving increasingly difficult. I have settled down but I feel myself growing more alienated as time goes by, and quite honestly, there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t wish with all my heart before I open my eyes that I am having a terrible dream, and that when I do wake up, I’ll find myself back in my apartment in Hatogaya, that I will climb down the ladder into my apartment, and carry on with my Japanese life.
Combating this is very difficult, and I think I have automatically begun to talk it all down now. But I still feel the feelings and have the emotions, and I do honestly (and pathetically) cry a bit every single day. I am in a safe, warm, happy and comfortable environment, more than I had really expected to have when I got back, but it’s not “home”. I’m with my grandparents, the one place I had begun to consider “home” since my family moved and I was left here to start my college life.
This isn’t “home” anymore. “Home” is back across the ocean in my little Leopalace apartment, #208.
But since there is nothing to be done about that at the moment, I live my life day to day as best as I possibly can and wait for the first opportunity to return home.
So here is my life as it is going right now.
Everything is back from Japan now and cozily settled into my room here in the house at the base of the canyon. I am really quite enjoying all the posters and such, and the wide space I have just for me (much appreciated).
This is almost what my room looks like at the moment. A few things have changed since I took these pictures, but altogether it is almost exactly the same. I am surrounded by pictures and posters of the bands and the people that inspire me, and whose music is my greatest comfort.
The only real new addition to the room is this:
I am so excited for this movie. You don’t even know.
And here is my lovely CD/DVD/game collection, much expanded from my trip, and it will soon be receiving two new additions for which I am extremely excited. These are “Justice”, Matenrou Opera’s major debut full album, and “OMEGA at Yokohama Arena”, the DVD for the GazettE’s VENOMOUS CELL tour which I was blessed to participate in thrice. I have several friends who were in attendance at the Arena and I will be searching for them when that DVD arrives in May!
Until then though I must patiently wait.
Describes my feelings quite well.
Another huge part of my life right now is that I am currently enrolled in guitar lessons. I felt it a bit beneath me but it has been incredibly helpful and fun, and my teacher is a very open and fun person to take the lessons from. He is even working on some of the GazettE’s pieces with me!
And for that, I must brag and show off this:
Gaze upon it. Yes, this is indeed one of Uruha’s Artist series guitars, which I found and adopted from a second-hand store while I was in Kashima with Taylor for work. It was a bit difficult and worrisome to get this baby home, but I managed it, and it is all worth it. It was in incredible condition and with a little polish work from the store I go to for lessons and some new strings, it looks almost brand new. (Though I accidentally neglected to tell them I usually do alternative tuning, so we didn’t get strings that would be better for that, but even so, it is near perfect.) The guitar is amazing for playing. The body is heavier than the one I have but the fingerboard is very fast and easy to move on. I love this guitar for so many reasons.
And really, isn’t it such a great souvenir?
The piece I am working on at the moment is “Red”, the lovely power-ballad (perhaps you can call it so?) from the Gazemen. However I do think that soon I may start work on something else, officially with a teacher. Perhaps “Guren” or “Kugutsue”, since I enjoy those songs so much.
One of the other things that has kept my spirits high these past almost-two months is the discovery of a wonderful television drama that I heard good about from so many friends. And yes, that would be “Sherlock”.
What can I say about this dazzling drama that would best tell you about it, other than to say that it is absolutely a work of art. For those who don’t know, this is indeed a new Sherlock Holmes television show, but that’s just it: it’s new. It’s modern. It takes place in the twenty-first century and skillfully makes you feel like this was the way Sherlock was always meant to be.
And the greatest part of that is the actors. Martin Freeman as John Watson is delightfully convincing in his I-don’t-know-what-I-have-gotten-myself-into, but all the same very loveable, character. Andrew Scott as the archnemesis Moriarty is one of the most hysterical yet terrifying characters I have ever seen. But truly the most amazing of them is no other than the actor for the titular Sherlock Holmes, Benedict Cumberbatch. This man is a master of his craft. He breathes new life into the stuffy old Sherlock Holmes and makes the character radiate with new breath, with amazingly-sharp sarcastic wit to match his intellect, with sociopath darkness, and all – at the very same time – someone you can’t help but love and respect, and who you find ultimately sexy.
Do go watch it, everyone. I am convinced you will be very happy you did.
But back to “real life”, which would be, school.
My current schedule, after a very frustrating and tearfilled days at the beginning of the semester, is this:
M/W/F Schedule:
9-9:50 Intro to Classical Japanese
11-11:50 American Heritage
14-14:50 Contrastive Analysis of English and Japanese
16-16:50 Japanese Capstone (no Friday)
Individual Study in Japanese: Advanced Fiction Readings
Which is to say, I am very busy with homework almost all the time. Up until recently I could literally come back from school, lesson, or work, and just do homework for hours and barely finish in time to go to sleep. At the moment, I am slightly ahead in one or two of my classes (perhaps just by a day at most) and I am enjoying the slightly-less overwhelming flow of homework and studying. But it’s already midterms and I still have so much I need to do that I don’t know if I can do it.
But this is my last full semester, in theory, and I am all too excited to be finished so I can move on to the next part of my life, no matter how much more difficult that will be.
That would be that I have decided that after I graduate, I am going to apply to attend the ESP Musical Academy in Tokyo for a degree in management or events. This is a very prestigious school and many companies go directly to this school to hire their musicians and staff, and many artists have come through here. One of those artists is Anzi of Matenrou Opera, a guitarist I highly admire and respect for his abilities and person.
It will be difficult and I’m not entirely sure I could even make it in, let alone how I would pay for it, but I will never know until I try, and this is something I know I want, so try I will until I can’t try anymore.
All in all, I am managing. I am all right, for the most part. But there is a part of me that is suffering and dying here and I am not quite able to save it with anything other than what I personally need – my return to my home. But I am striving on, mostly on hands and knees, because I continue to fall, but I am pressing on. It hurts and it is painful and a lot of days, I really don’t think I can go on. But I do.
Hopefully, in just over a week, I will be able to rest a bit when I go to stay with my family for a little while and recover away from the atmosphere here in Utah, and recover with some medical attention and help.
I’ve finally come to accept that I cannot take care of myself alone, not when it comes to this, so I am, after three years, bowing my head to the better choice and seeking help.
And to all the friends who have been there for me every single moment, the late nights and early mornings and long hours all through the day, in which you were there to support me and comfort me and help me to carry on, you have my deepest thanks and all my love. I apologise for how much I have imposed upon you, and for how much I still will be as I try to recover. I do truly love you, the few of you who have stood by me through every second the last few months.
I want to get better, just for you few, and you know who you are.
Thank you.
Ganbarimasu.
