Five days.

Five days until I leave for Japan. Five days until I leave everything behind and start all over again for a little while, completely on my own.

It’s time for me to go. It’s time for me to leave, leave all this behind, all the pain and the irritation and the emotions and go somewhere and start to live for myself. In Japan, I don’t have to live for anyone but me. I don’t have to satisfy anyone but me. I don’t have to give a damn about what anyone but me thinks because I will be the only person in my life of any consequence.

It’s about time.

I really do just want to wipe the slate clean when I step on the plane to leave Salt Lake. It will start the moment my journey itself starts. I’ll start my life over, only retaining myself and what I’ve built for myself the past two years, and keep going with it.

Japan is where I found myself two years ago, so it makes sense that I will continue the work when I get there in just a few days.

I’ll let the tears of loneliness and anger and fear fall for now. I’ll let them roll down my cheeks, because I’m still here in this life. But the second the journey starts, I’m cutting it off. There will be no reason to cry when I am starting over, because everything will be brand new. I’ll make a life for myself where I don’t have to cry for anything I’ll be leaving here.

Maybe cold, maybe cruel… but maybe it’s what’s best.

Because I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I’ll change my life on my own, and you’d all better be ready to accept what I am when I come back.

“To protect yourself, you should never accept
The common speech, or speech that anyone else has made.
We are the rule, whatever that rule may be!
Hold this flag over your head and stand up, stand up!”

~Matenrou Opera, “Anomie”