If I Could...

If I could tell you the answers

To everything you ask,

I wouldn’t be so sick of heart

Or so desperate to escape.

You tell me over and over again

How much you love, how much you care,

But you want answers here and now

Else there’s nothing wrong.

If I could tell you why I feel

So deeply and so truly that

It manifests itself, my love for you,

By marring my weak arm,

I’d be all the stronger, free of scar,

And I’d have parted far from you.

But I am not that strong, to leave the one

I need and love so badly.

Nor am I granted time to find whatever truth,

And already am I condemned

Because I cannot find the words, false words

That I must speak for “freedom”.

The tears I’ve cried and prayers I’ve prayed,

The many times I’ve tried so hard

With all my strength to bow my head

And accept cruel fate of judgement passed,

Mean nothing to the higher lords,

Who refuse to listen, nor to you.

Answers you want, but I don’t have,

And for that, and the crime of wishing

And longing for a true love

That will remain at my side

Forever to embrace me,

I must live alone and tend to myself

The barest touch and symbol of presence,

For other than this, I have none.

Then you cry all the more that this isn’t fair to you,

That I can’t do this, and why do I act this way?

If I knew, o beautiful cold cruel love,

I wouldn’t say that I’m sorry I’m not the way you like

As dark water closes over my head.