Five days.

Five days until I leave for Japan. Five days until I leave everything behind and start all over again for a little while, completely on my own.

It’s time for me to go. It’s time for me to leave, leave all this behind, all the pain and the irritation and the emotions and go somewhere and start to live for myself. In Japan, I don’t have to live for anyone but me. I don’t have to satisfy anyone but me. I don’t have to give a damn about what anyone but me thinks because I will be the only person in my life of any consequence.

It’s about time.

I really do just want to wipe the slate clean when I step on the plane to leave Salt Lake. It will start the moment my journey itself starts. I’ll start my life over, only retaining myself and what I’ve built for myself the past two years, and keep going with it.

Japan is where I found myself two years ago, so it makes sense that I will continue the work when I get there in just a few days.

I’ll let the tears of loneliness and anger and fear fall for now. I’ll let them roll down my cheeks, because I’m still here in this life. But the second the journey starts, I’m cutting it off. There will be no reason to cry when I am starting over, because everything will be brand new. I’ll make a life for myself where I don’t have to cry for anything I’ll be leaving here.

Maybe cold, maybe cruel… but maybe it’s what’s best.

Because I don’t want to feel this way anymore.

I’ll change my life on my own, and you’d all better be ready to accept what I am when I come back.

“To protect yourself, you should never accept
The common speech, or speech that anyone else has made.
We are the rule, whatever that rule may be!
Hold this flag over your head and stand up, stand up!”

~Matenrou Opera, “Anomie”

Vortex.

Really, I can't do this.

It's about time to cut myself off. The aching and the longing and the crying is too much. I can't even remember half the reason why I'm holding on so hard anymore.

I have a hard time sleeping, I don't want to eat.

So what really matters?

It'll be good for me to be far away, not having to see things.

Maybe it's cowardice. Maybe it's bravery.

I'm just trying to survive.









"Right before my eyes, the world that decayed.
Right before my eyes, you murder somebody.
Too tragic to stay with you.
I fall into black, black darkness,
And even my voice is smeared with mud,
So I throw my body away into the lie,
And when that turns to scrap, my value will be gone,
And the sadness of it will never reach you."

Break me.

Put the memories, the images, the sights, the smells, the feelings, the everything I don’t want in a box. Lock the box. Put it in a safe. Lock the safe. Leave the house, run as fast as I can down the street several blocks. Fly into the train station, down the stairs, into the train. Take the train far, far away, leaving all of it behind in a box where it can’t get out and follow me.

 

This is the mental-visual exercise I’ve been doing the past couple of days to try and free myself. Just lock it all up and leave it behind. Don’t look back, don’t go back. Leave it where it is. There’s no other way. Leave the heart and the love and the laughter behind. There’s no point in taking it with you.

 

But I keep going back unconsciously and unlock the safe, taking out the box, unlocking the box, and letting it all back out.

 

Why?

 

Because I want to keep it, I guess.

 

And all the tears I cry and hurt I hurt can’t seem to convince me that it’s better to just give it up.

 

So where are the people that said they’d stop me from trying to abandon it? Where are the people that said they wanted me to love, and to hold on, and to keep fighting? Where are the people that said they didn’t want to let me go?

 

Not here. Not saving me. Not holding me. Not here.

 

 

So I keep trying to throw it all away, so that no one will break me or tear me again.

 

 

 

I guess that’s all I have left, is the hope that with this try, it’ll finally be over.

 

 

 

 

 

I close the lid and lock it.

Music has a way of being very truthful.

* Put your iTunes/Winamp/WMP on shuffle.
* Use the song title as the answer to the question.
* NO CHEATING

1. How does the world see me?
ASCENDEAD MASTER - Versailles

2. Will I have a happy life?
The Great Debate - Dream Theater
[Fitting.]

3. What do my friends really think of me?
Distorted thought - HIZAKI grace project
[Fitting.]

4. Do people secretly lust after me?
DISCHARGE - the GazettE
[This is Ruki's way of saying "No".]

5. How can I make myself happy?
Acrobat - U2
[Indeed, seeing U2 perform this song would make me very happy]

6. What should I do with my life?
monopolize - Kimeru
[Huh.]

7. Will I ever have children?
Nakigahara - the GazettE
[Ruki's way of saying "No".]

8. What is some good advice for me?
atmosphere - alice nine.
[Should make a lot of difference.]

9. How will I be remembered?
My Immortal - Evanescence
[Well, that would be touching, actually.]

10. What is my signature dancing song?
Brise - Malice Mizer
[Dance like you're in the Elizabethan Era!!! DANCE!!!]

11. What do I think my current theme song is?
Incoherents - Közi
[Sounds about right.]

12. What does everyone else think my current theme song is?
Paradise Lost - Kaya
[Pretty much.]

13. What song will play at my funeral?
A Building of Iron and Pipes - from Crisis Core: Final Fantasy VII
[I will have an epic funeral.]

14. What type of women/men do I like?
Aesthetic Violence (Dark Master Ver.) - Versailles
[YUKIIIIII WIN]

15. What is my day going to be like?
Mysteria - E Nomine
[Who knows.]

16. Will I ever have love again?
OBSCURE - Dir en grey
[Kyo's way of saying "No".]

17. What type of sex life do I have?
Baroque - Malice Mizer
[Interesting.]

18. What song would be the title of my own porno movie?
I Can Feel - HYDE

Broken.

My will.

I go through my day with only the most fleeting touches of emotion, and the rest is the hazy grey of clouds about to break.

I'm trying to come to accept it.




My throat.

I don't have the voice to cry anymore. When I manage tears, they run silently.

Silence loudly echoes in my ears.




My heart.

This is something I thought I had guarded against, but once again, I let the walls down.

A broken vessel can't hold much, but its fragments still ache with the pain.