Disconnect

I'm a quiet person. I've learned that I can say things, sure, I can speak my opinion, I can back it up as best I can. I'm not aggressive, at least not about myself. People say they want my opinion so I speak it.


But no one's listening. Everyone argues right back, puts it down, says that it's not right or that they won't accept it for whatever reason.


I don't think anyone understands how much it takes out of me to say the slightest thing about what I think. I would rather sit there and listen to all the abuse than speak up. And that's saying something, because all the abuse makes me want to run until I pass out, and then maybe just die.


If my opinion is so valid, why is it that everyone has to argue it into the ground until I wish that I had just walked out?


And I walk out a lot, another thing people call me out for. What's so wrong with it, if people aren't listening to anything I say?


I guess maybe things get to a point where I just don't know what I think apart from what I'm just going to say to get a more solid result.


So then I say all of it... what I think, what people want to hear, what I need to say to just have something set down so that it's not all just so debatable and prone to change at the slightest whim of the opposite party, because everything I do is wrong, everything I do is suspect unless I just go along with whatever rule and shut up and don't say anything about what I think.


Why? Because there is no such thing as free speech. No one, especially in authority of any sort, or perceived authority, or whatever, wants you to try to change their mind. It doesn't even matter what they say. They want the control, they want the satisfaction that you listen to them and that you will do as they say, because they're in charge. They will say anything it takes, and all they want in response is for you to do and say as they will you to.


So they change their minds so that they're always stepping on you. Or they do something passive, like saying that they don't like something, or they just ignore it, because you do it.


And how the hell is that supposed to make me feel? Like it's okay? No, it's all a power struggle. Look at what you're saying. If you really don't mean to make me feel like I can do whatever, why do you say that you don't like it and you wish I didn't?


But you know. You know I've been brought up just shying away back into the rules, back into your control, and you know how to get me to do it again. You like it when I'm just a quiet robot, don't you? Everyone does.


The moment I start to feel, and start to soften, and start to think that maybe it's okay, and start to try to get close to someone or exercise some sort of free will, you all fall apart. You do everything in your power to get me back under control and back on a leash.


Or it's just goodbye, because I'm not worth the trouble.


So tell me, is it fun? How much fun is it to bait me? How fun is it to have me lie awake at night, trying to work out your ambiguous rules that change at every little action I do, so that I can stay inside your lines because I know that once I step out, it's goodbye?


You can't say it's not that way. I know you. I know the way it works. I've watched it go that way all my life.


And you see, even if it wasn't, everyone leaves me in the end.


Everyone that's loved me, everyone that I've come to love... they all go away. They all abandon me. They leave, or they kick me out, or they tell me to get out.


So why should I expect anything different?


There's no point in getting close. I don't even think there's a single person that's actually capable of loving me. I'm just some object floating through life, good until I don't do as rules say I should, and then I'm thrown out without a second thought.


So God, thou almighty and so-called loving God, having fun watching me yet? How much longer do I have to scream and writhe and suffer?


There's no end. There's never an end. I speak, I'm put down. I act, I'm kicked out. I love, I'm abused.


So someone tell me what's the point in it at all.


At least before it didn't hurt.